You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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