He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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