she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
