Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
