you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
