So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
