I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
