You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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