Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
