the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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