I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
