the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This house was built for laser tag.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
