Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
