I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
