I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
