Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
