areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
