OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
