All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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