had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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