took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize