Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
