i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
