Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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