I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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