So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
