You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
