textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
