Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
