Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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