M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
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We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
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How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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