He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
