Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
