I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
