I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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