Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
