literally had 100 drinks last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
