I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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