apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
