I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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