oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
