i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
