Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
this just has baby written all over it
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Come share oat with me in your robe
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
