It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
