Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
