my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
