Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
