I accidentally had phone sex last night
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
