Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
