So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
is wine microwaveable?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
