So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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