He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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