I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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