i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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