Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
