I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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