I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
