Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
