Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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