She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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